a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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