WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
It's just like the Real World with babies
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
