Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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