careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
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