Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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