Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
