i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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