After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
