Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
