There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
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