That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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