Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
