At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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