the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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