I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
