two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
