We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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