i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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