For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
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