THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
