i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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