Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Randomize
