just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize
