There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
we're making bets on your personal life
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Randomize
