He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Congratulations! We have a period
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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