how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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