You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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