Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
