Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
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