You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
