I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
