No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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