You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
