If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
