Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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