My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
