I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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