Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Randomize
