Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
