if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
