I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
