Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
