So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
