i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize