the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
