This is not my ceiling
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
The police scanner is talking about you again....
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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