I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
