bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
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