i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
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