Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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