I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
