Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
