Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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