I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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