Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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