I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize