my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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