Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Randomize
