Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize