At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
